First, there's the diet. 99% of what they eat is bamboo, which is so nutritionally inefficient that they have to eat 40 pounds of that stuff per day. Oh, also, the dumb bears are really lousy at actually digesting it, resulting in a whole lot of bamboopoo. Not so smart.
Next, let's talk about that adorable black and white fur. Pandas live in the mountains of China, not the pre-house dropping Kansas from Wizard of Oz. Maybe the fur makes them cute, but it's horrible camouflage. In addition, they're fat and slow so you'd think disguises would be a higher priority.
Also, they have violent hidden agendas. They lure you in with their adorableness and then THEY EAT YOUR FACE!!! One bear in China has attacked tourists three times. It's not the humans' fault, of course. They're helpless against the powers of the blood-thirsty bear.And finally, let's talk about reproduction. Pandas are notoriously bad at sex. They're even worse than that guy from your freshman history class. Yeah, that bad. Captive pandas just have no interest in sex, leaving researchers showing them videos of panda-porn and sneaking Viagra in the males' bamboo.
As if all of that isn't enough, they live in China so you know they must be communist polluters plotting to take over the world and ruin life as we now know it.
So there you go. All the reasons that pandas totally suck. Come back tomorrow when I share all of the reasons that Queen is the worst rock band EVER.
23 comments:
aaaahahahahahaha. you have problems.
CATE!!!
Please, I beg of thee...don't spoil my view of you by putting down Queen....I am begging you!!! (down on my knees, asking you to reconsider and I nominate KISS as the worst rock band ever!)
uh oh...i like Queen....now Panda bears i can do without...but Queen...i like...how about another topic...liek Feet...how much I hate feet!! lol
Maybe this is wrong, but I'm laughing a little thinking about a panda eating someone's face. Just imagine: "hello there panda.. aww, who's a cutsie pootsie panda? Yes you are! Gootchy-gootchy-"
CHOMP!
Found you through SITS...loved the blog...way to be "edgy"!
Haha thats too funny!
Thank you for visiting my blog during its week of Sauciness :D
Sarah - I think I've presented some very clear arguments here. It would be tough to dispute!
Kimber - I'd hate to tarnish my reputation. That makes me wonder what kind of view people have of me. Nope, no wondering, I bet it's scary.
Angie - I agree about the feet hate. Eww.
Ryan - You get me. Awesome. CHOMP!
Penguinsandladybugs - thanks for visiting! Yeah, "edgy", that's me!
Shalee - congrats again on being Saucy! It's a crazy ride but a lot of fun!
hahahhaahaha Cate... I can't stop laughing. And I have to agree that Queen... probably on my top 5 WORST ever. So go ahead. Don't let them talk you out of it. I can't wait to read it!!!!!
I want to see panda porn. I can't believe you hate Queen, can we truly be friends after finding this out about you? *sniff*
Hmmmm, I'm with SisterFriend, I wanna check out that Panda Porn!
Go ahead and dis Queen all ya want, I won't get offended in the slightest!
Cate, you are hilarious! After having been blog-less for the vast majority of the weekend, I come back to your panda-hatred... Freaking fabulous! Thanks for the Monday morning laughs.
this is soooooo funny, roflol! and i hate queen too, you GO girl! i am going to add you to my list of favourites on my blog, you are hysterical (funny hyesterical of course!)
That's why they make stupid things cute ... so they at least have something going for them.
Now that I know Panda's will eat your face, I so need a Panda coat! And honestly, I have never been able to get past a bunch of guys calling themselves Queen. Bash away!
LOL! Love it.
I moved to a new site! Check it out: www.aduckinherpond.com.
And Panda tastes really good served with a side of Spotted Owl. ROFLOL!!!
*LOVE* your blog. Keep up the wonderful hilarity. ♥ ∞
I heard pandas are so dumb that they often accidentally eat their babies too.
Be gentle with queen, pick on The Stones instead. I never did like those guys.
you ever seen the sneezing panda on youtube? It's awesome.
Now that I think about it, you are right! How could something survive if it can't have sex?
Pre-house dropping Kansas! *SNORT*
I love having a place I can mouth off about pressing matters like panda suckage. It's not like you can discuss such hot topics at work.
i am with you on the pandas, but i may have to take you to task on the queen issue. but i am keeping an open mind.
LOL you're crazy! But, I do have a completely new view of pandas!
Thanks for coming by my blog today and for your kind words!
Wow, I used to love pandas....but now I'm not going to. I wasn't fully aware of their viciousness.
I wonder if I should also be suspect of koalas (hello, are you a bear or are you not!!) and kangaroos (dude, what do you have in your pouch!!) and lemurs (nothing should be able to hop like that!).
Thanks for this highly important info!!!
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