Word of the Year 2014

It's become a tradition for me to choose a guiding word each year. It's less of a resolution and more of a quality or goal or something I want to bring into my life.

Some years the word has worked out better than others. Last year I chose "balance" and in a minute you'll see that this year's word isn't unrelated. I didn't really achieve balance last year, although I made steps in that direction. I would say the idea did guide some of my decisions as I ended a work contract that was causing a lot of stress. I filled that void with more work, but it was work I enjoyed. I suppose ideally I would've filled that void with some of the personal projects I never took time for but I'll have to work on that this year.

In 2014, my word will be refine.

Main Entry: re·fine
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈfīn\
Function: verb

1: to remove the unwanted substances in (something)
2: to improve something ( an idea, method, system, etc.) by making small changes

related words: purge, simplify

Let me explain.

My goal is to refine my life by refining my priorities, my schedule, my things.

Priorities need to be narrowed down first, and I've already made some solid progress on that front: my writing/creative outlets, my health, my relationships, my freelancing. I've refined my priorities, deciding which things are most important and need to come first.

Next, I can work on fitting those priorities into my schedule, which is where I failed miserably last year. I knew what was important in 2013 but I never quite managed to reflect that in my daily activities. I need to refine my working habits and use of time. It wasn't that I didn't have enough time last year or that I needed to do fewer things. It was that I didn't use my time wisely.

As for my things, this one is about refining through organizing, simplifying, and purging. There may be more about this in future posts (!!!) but I'm in a place right now where I'm very motivated to get rid of all of our extra stuff. I want to keep the things we value, the things we need. The extra things are just clutter, both in our home and in our mind. Eventually, in a moving truck and in a possibly smaller living space. So it's a huge priority to make regular progress in refining my things.

So 2014 is about refinement for me as I attempt to focus on the things that matter most and not get caught up in the things that aren't as important or I can't do anything about.

And before you think that sounds like all work and no play? It's precisely so I can play. I'm looking forward to writing and I have another creative project I've been trying to fit in since last Fall. I'm also hoping to get in a nice trip this year, maybe to Europe. Time nomming my nieces and nephew is a priority as well and that's always a blast for Aunt Cate as long as she doesn't break the baby (I've only broken one out of three - I think those are good odds).

What's ahead for you in 2014? It could turn into quite the year here. Wishing you happiness and health, whatever else 2014 has in store for you!

Word of the Year 2013

Happy New Year! I’m a little later than anticipated with this post because blah blah blah resulted in a reconsidering of my 2013 plans. But I've cooked the books consulted my accountant/husband and now I’m back on track.

So!

I like to start off each year with a guiding word rather than a list of specific resolutions. Sometimes I choose the word by looking back and/or looking ahead. Sometimes it just comes to me. Last year’s word, “mindful,” wasn’t all that successful I suppose. It depends on how you define success. If you define it as having any memory of what I had chosen as my word, then notsomuch.

For 2013, I’m choosing balance.

Main Entry: bal·ance
Pronunciation: \ˈba-lən(t)s\
Function: noun

1: a means of judging or deciding
2: a counterbalancing weight, force, or influence
3: an aesthetically pleasing integration of elements
4: mental and emotional steadiness
5: habit of calm behavior, judgment

I've borrowed the above definitions from several online dictionaries

For me, this is primarily about work. If you don't know, I'm a freelancer. I work from home, mostly as an editor. Last year is the first year I took that seriously and I had an amazing year with a lot of opportunities. I exceeded the financial goals I had set.

And yet, life was out of balance. Because of blah blah blah (yes, the same blah blah blah I started the post with) , most of my freelancing income ends up going to Uncle Sam. Taxes and gainfully employed husbands and blah blah blah.  I've been directed by the husband/accountant to quit focusing on working ALL THE CONTRACTS to make ALL THE MONEY and instead to focus on doing the things I want to do.

Not a bad problem to have!

Except, what I want to do? Continue freelancing. I want to expand my freelancing. Telling people this past year that I'm a freelance editor is the first time in my life I've taken pride in what I do. And I want to do more of it, not less of it. But I do have one contract that is very out of balance, and that one is going to have to go. With it, a good chunk of reliable monthly income. Which apparently is OK, according both to the accountant/husband and to balance. Because with it, a good chunk of reliable almost daily stress.

Also part of balance this year? The things I love that I should have plenty of time to do and yet I've spent a disproportionate amount of time stressing over one stupid contract and some other items that I haven't taken time to do them - those things will be coming back. Sitting at the piano. Crafting and painting. Blogging and more importantly, writing. They aren't necessarily the same. But I've missed both. It's been forever since I blogged regularly and I haven't worked on the book I'm writing at all since November (even that was a sad effort).

So in 2012, I proved that I could do ALL THE THINGS!!! In 2013, I will show that I can be discerning about choosing which of the things merit my time and effort. I will do the ALL THE THINGS with balance!

P.S. What can you expect from the blog? No promises but I'm planning to average posting about twice a week plus 6WS. Always 6WS, people. Otherwise, I have a feeling things may get ugly.

P.P.S. Oh yeah, also, happy 1000th post to me and this here blog.

Cate's recent cardio activity

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my eating and exercise choices. Or, rather, I haven't been thinking about them as I should because my choices have been poor.

Exercise is hard work! Also, I don't mind the activity itself so much as I hate sweating. Sweat is not attractive, though I'm trying to adjust my mindset to see sweat as an indication that I'm doing things that are good for me.

This morning, I was thinking a bit about cardio and decided to see if my definition matched that of my BFFs over at Merriam-Webster. Seems the term "cardio" has only been around since about 1991 so they directed me instead to their definition for "cardiovascular":

Main Entry: car·dio·vas·cu·lar
Pronunciation: \ˈkär-dē-(ˌ)ō-ˈvas-kyə-lər\
Function: noun

1. of, relating to, or involving the heart and blood vessels
2. used, designed, or performed to cause a temporary increase in heart rate (a cardiovascular workout)

So here's what I'm trying to figure out in my head. If I perform an action that causes a temporary increase in heart rate, does that count as my cardio workout for the day?

I ask because the most commonly performed task in this house lately seems to involve dealing with cockroaches. I can assure you that this definitely increases my heart rate. All I have to do is look at one and my heart speeds up. And then there are the activities involved in removing said critter from the inside of my home.

This morning's adventures (I will spare you the horrific details - you're welcome!) increased my heart rate almost to the point of achieving panic attack status. Complete with shallow breathing and sweat, followed with a feeling of complete exhaustion afterwards.

Sounds like a cardio workout to me!

P.S. Cats are worthless.
P.P.S. Traveling husbands are also worthless in this situation.
P.P.P.S. Is it considered cheating on you husband if you have an affair with a neighbor for the lone purpose of having someone to remove bugs and such from your home while your husband travels? I'm asking for a friend...

Word of the Year: 2012

Each year, I pick a word that I want to guide me. You can see past picks in my sidebar to the right. Last year's choice, better wasn't a huge success. This year, I'm choosing mindful.

Main Entry: mind·ful
Pronunciation: \ˈmīn(d)-fəl\
Function: adjective

1: attentive, aware, or careful (usually followed by of)
2: tending toward awareness and appreciation
3: having specified facts or feelings actively impressed on the mind

Synonyms: alive, conscious, cognizant, sensible, thoughtful, vigilant
Antonyms: absent-minded, careless, unaware, insensitive, oblivious

I've cobbled together the above from several online dictionaries and thesauruses. (Thesauri?)

Here's what mindful means to me for the new year:

• aware of long-term goals when making short-term choices
• appreciative of opportunities in the here and now
• thoughtful about the effect my words and actions have on me, others, the world
• able to find gratitude in current situations even if they aren't my ideal

How does that apply on a practical level? I'll think (long-term) before I act (short-term). It comes down to being conscious of my goals at all times, making them a priority over instant gratification. It also means making the most of this moment as I seek those results. I'll skip the right-now-yumminess of that cookie because I'm focused on my overall health and weight goals. I'll take ownership of my actions and attitude in my current place instead of using circumstances outside of my control as an excuse to be lazy. I'll appreciate the efforts of those around me and be aware of the attitude and effort I'm giving back to them.

A lot of this is about approach. Instead of seeing myself as unemployed while I wait for Joe's job situation to work itself out, I now consider myself a full-time freelancer. I will dedicate time each day to actively seeking new opportunities. (Know anyone that needs some writing, editing, or marketing done? Hook me up!) Instead of focusing on the overwhelming amount of weight I need to lose, I'll concentrate on the benefits of being active, drinking water, and taking vitamins every day - all of these things have immediate advantages in addition to moving me towards a lower number on the scale. I will take the small steps necessary now to make progress towards those larger goals.

I've experienced a lot of discontent and depressions and anxiety this year. My attempt to change this is in being mindful. If I'm making more deliberate decisions and being more aware of my destination, maybe that will bring me some peace of mind.

So, in 2012, I intend to move forward even though we're still in a place of flux with Joe's job. I wasted the majority of 2011 because I was waiting and putting too much responsibility on him. He has enough worries without me running amok. It's time for me to make my own way. It's time to remember where I'm going so I can actually get there. I hope that twelve months from now, I can look back and say that I was indeed mindful in my thoughts and actions.

Sure Sign of Adulthood

Many people have their own definition of what it means to be an adult. 18? 21? Maybe it's becoming a parent or financial independence. Maybe it's a frame of mind. My buddies at Merriam-Webster define adult as:

Main Entry: a·dult
Pronunciation: \ˈa-ˌdəlt\
Function: noun

1. one that is adult; especially : a human being after an age (as 21) specified by law

I, however, have my own definition.

adult: one who is excited over the installation of three eco-friendly toilets at a price approximately $1000 less than the quote received last week

Welcome to my world.

New Year, New Word, New Plan

You can't get where you're going unless you have some idea of where you are, which is why I'm taking a quick look at the past before talking about my plans for the future.

I wrote two posts at the beginning of 2010 that are very interesting for me to look back on now. The first is "A Letter To Cate".

And some dreams you don't even recognize as such yet - they'll be revealed along the way.

JOB - you know better. This isn't it. Fix it or move along.

The second post was my "Word of the Year" post, in which I chose effort.

This year will be about not just muddling through but also about making an "effort" to move in a direction that makes me happy.

When I wrote those two posts, going back to school and resigning from my job were nowhere on my radar. I had no idea how the second half of 2010 would play out. In fact, despite writing all about effort, I was probably anticipating a much safer route that included not leaving my job until I had found a new one or until my husband had decided we were relocating.

Now, I enter 2011 with not even a clue of where things are going. We still may relocate. Joe has told me to hold off looking for a new job until he has more of an idea about what's going on with his work situation. By the time this year wraps up, we could be living on another coast and I could be working in an entirely different field than the one I left last November.

With so much uncertainty ahead, I'm focusing on me. I'm not making a whole lot of resolutions, but I'm really throwing myself behind this year's word, better:

Main Entry: bet·ter
Pronunciation: \ˈbe-tər\
Function: adjective

Meaning: improved in health or mental attitude; of superior suitability, advisability, desirability, acceptableness; more attractive, favorable, or commendable; more advantageous or effective; improved in accuracy or performance
Synonyms: improved, finer, healthier, amend, advance, promote; reform, correct, preferable, surpassing
Related Words: good
Near Antonyms: worsen, decline, regress, inferior

Yes, this year, I'm going to focus on striving for better.

• better eating
• better exercise routine
• better wife
• better job
• better writer
• better marketer
• better friend
• better approach
• better reactions
• better attitude

Just generally better in everything I do. This will require both of my prior annual words, effort and focus. I'll need to prioritize and then make my very best attempt at the things I choose. But if I focus on doing those last three items, it should trickle into everything else.

I spent awhile yesterday thinking about resolutions and whether I planned to make any. All I wrote down was the following:

exercise + water - eating = weight loss
read 30 books
specific project success

So there we go! I wouldn't call those resolutions. Just a few specific areas in which I plan to be better. Not perfect, because I don't expect to ever be perfect. Just better.

I hope 2011 is kind to all of us and whatever dreams or plan you have for this year will happen!

Exhausticate

Main Entry: ex·haust·i·cate
Pronunciation: \ig-'zȯst-ə-ˌkāt\
Function: verb

1: to tire Cate extremely or completely
2: to drain Cate of strength or energy, wear out, or fatigue greatly
3: to deprive Cate wholly of useful or essential properties

Definition #3 is my personal favorite. Yes, I'm completely exhausticated. Sometimes this is worse than migraine mumbles and I do stupid brilliant things like this:

SomeMonkey (after reading something sad I sent her): oh man. that's awful
me: yeah :)
me: omg worst typo EVER
SomeMonkey: snort
me: i meant :(

After traveling to see family and attend a reunion, I came home last Monday, did laundry, packed Joe's bags and sent him off before 5am the next morning for husband work training and then spent a day and a half cramming for a final exam. I then took the actual exam, stayed up too late on Thursday waiting for Joe to arrive back home, and jumped right into another weekend and another brand new class.

At least my typo was good for something:

SomeMonkey: well, it kept me from crying, so i vote it best typo ever
me: i WIN!

That's what a good friend does - takes your foot out of your mouth for you and laughs at it. Or something.

Anyways, there's been far too much exhaustication lately, which is why posts have been sparse. I need a week-long nap.

P.S. Just so you know, exhaustication isn't actually in the dictionary but I was determined to create a correct pronunciation guide. For when, you know, the masses want to use my word. How did I manage this amazing feat, you may ask? I combined pronunciations of two words. Exhaust and fornicate. Yeah. SomeMonkey assures me that this is the good kind of exhaustication so I guess it all works out.

Bereavement

Main Entry: be·reave·ment
Pronunciation: \bi-ˈrēv-mənt, bē-\
Function: noun

1. mourning: state of sorrow over the death or departure of a loved one

Last night, I spent a lot of time dreaming about my papa. He had a history of heart issues and had his first heart attack in his early 40s. Still, it was unexpected when he had another in his early 60s. This time, it was too much. Suddenly he was gone and nobody had a chance to say goodbye. That was over fifteen years ago and there was no real reason I can think of to dream about him right now. But dream I did. In my dream, he was very sick and and we knew he didn't have long left. Everyone was coming to say goodbye.

Dreams have such power to set the tone for my day and this one left me sad and missing my papa. And then Joe told me that he'd just had a message from Auntie. Let me first explain "Auntie". She's not technically his aunt. She was his aunt - she was married to his mother's brother. But they divorced. Then his uncle passed away. However, Auntie is the mother-figure in Joe's life. She's the most loving, kind, accepting woman I've ever met and she's so good to both of us. So, the message from Auntie said that her brother passed away, very suddenly and totally unexpected. She was on the way to the airport but wanted to let us know.

All of which made me think about most company's bereavement policies. Here's ours:

When a death occurs in an employee’s immediate family, all regular full time employees may take up to three (3) days off with pay to attend the funeral or make funeral arrangements. "Immediate family" shall be defined to include spouses (including common-law spouses), children, parents, siblings, grandparents, grandchildren (regardless of whether such family members are related by blood, adoption or marriage) and guardians.

Based on that, Joe wouldn't be able to take leave (as such) for Auntie.

State of sorrow over the death or departure of a loved one. Loved one, not immediate family member. I don't think companies should get to define whose death meets the definition of "bereavement". When I rule the world, I will instead allow employees to define their own "bereavement" list. YOU list the people close enough to you that you would consider yourself "bereaved". Best friend? Nanny that your children adore? The woman who played the role of mother when your own was too cold to show you any kind of love? Oh yeah, go ahead and add some family members as well if you like. But that list goes in your file. And if those people should become ill and need your help, or if they pass away, you will be granted full privileges to do what you need to do.

If I've learned anything in my life, it's that blood relation doesn't guarantee love. It doesn't guarantee a damn thing, really. Maybe medical history. Sometimes the people who love us most are those who aren't related at all. The relationships are deliberately chosen, not forced because of something ridiculous like the results of procreation.

My thoughts are with you today, Auntie. I know you and your brothers and sisters are such a tight group and you're all hurting so badly. Bereaved by the loss of a loved one.

And my thoughts are with you too, Papa. I miss your Donald Duck voice and your silly songs. And turtle-shaped pancakes. And most definitely your hugs.

Regret

For those of you who do not follow me obsessively on Twitter, a quick follow-up on this week's Six Word Saturday.

Main Entry: re·gret
Pronunciation: \ri-ˈgret\
Function: noun

1 a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction
2: a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment

I am going back to school. As in I officially enrolled last night. Not physically back to school because that would involve dealing with other people committing to a campus location, which is a risky idea when Joe may decide to up and leave his job for another position at any given time. So rather than continuing to put my life on hold while I wait for him to figure out his own things, I decided online classes were ideal.

See, back in college, I started out majoring in the PR/Advertising field but the program seriously sucked. Rather than change schools, I changed majors to Computer Science because that's what all the cool smart kids were doing. And by "smart kids" I don't so much mean nerds as I mean those who could see where the money was going to be made. Along the way, I had to take Marketing as a required course (no idea why) and I loved it. I should've gone with my gut.

What does any of this have to do with regret? I find it hard to regret certain decisions in my past because they've worked out well over time. Who's to say that attending a different school would've made a positive difference in my life? I can't call that a regret. But not following my heart? Not listening to that little voice inside that's telling me I need to do something right now? I regret all of the times I've ignored that voice or silenced my heart.

And I won't do it anymore. No more regrets!

Word of the Year: 2010

I'm a few days late but that's because I've had other fish to fry or something. Plus, it took me a few days to really think this through.

Last year, Beth posted about the concept of choosing a word to sum up your hopes or plans for the year. I chose focus and it served me well.

"Focus" helped me keep track of things I needed to work on, allowing me time for the things I wanted to work on.

"Focus" was also especially helpful in dealing with my anxiety. By discarding the issues I couldn't do anything about and just taking one thing at a time, it really helped me survive the year.

In fact, "focus" served me SO well that I'm having trouble giving it up. So I've decided that instead of just leaving it behind, I'll consider my words what they should be - learning experiences that transform us going forward.

And this year, I have a new word, "effort".

Main Entry: ef·fort
Pronunciation: \ˈe-fȯrt\
Function: noun

Meaning: the active use of energy in producing a result
Synonyms: elbow grease, exertion, expenditure, labor, pains, sweat, trouble, work
Related Words: grind, energy, attempt, endeavor
Near Antonyms: idleness, inaction, inactivity, inertia

Those "near antonyms" terrify me. They also describe my life over the past few years. See, last year was about surviving. It was about learning to handle myself and the world but I did a lot of that from the semi-comfort of a safe routine. This year will be about not just muddling through but also about making an "effort" to move in a direction that makes me happy. I actually considered "happy" and "change" as my words but felt "effort" could be applied in a more widespread manner.

I'm planning to make an effort in my health, my career, my writing, my reading, my relationships, my self-image, really my entire life. Some steps will be bigger than others - I can't do it all at once. But it's important that I realize I have to make an "effort" if I don't want to keep on as things are currently heading.

What about you? Do you have a word that describes your plans for 2010? And don't worry, this should be the last holiday-related post. I think I've officially finished putting away the tinsel. Though I'm not sure quite what Tonya and Rusty have planned for First Fursday tomorrow.

Jealous

Main Entry: jeal·ous
Pronunciation: \ˈje-ləs\
Function: adjective

1 a: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness b: disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness
2: hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage
3: that feeling I have as I listen to Joe snore on the sofa and watch Rusty and Tonya both curled up in little kitty-balls as they dream about mice or tuna or bubbles

Why is everyone in the world sleeping? Except me...

What simple thing do you find yourself a bit jealous of today?

Comfort

Main Entry: com·fort
Pronunciation: \ˈkəm(p)-fərt\
Function: transitive verb

1 : to give strength and hope to : cheer
2 : to ease the grief or trouble of : console
3 : Rusty

Sometimes all it takes is a purring cat in your lap to make the world right again.

Thanks Rusty, you da man.

What's your idea of simple comforts?

Ubiquitous

Main Entry: ubiq·ui·tous
Pronunciation: \yü-ˈbi-kwə-təs\
Function: adjective

1: existing or being everywhere at the same time : constantly encountered : widespread
2: a ridiculously complex word describing the state of Tonya's hair

But the good news is that all involved survived the visit to the vet. Tonya even let them take her blood pressure! As a bonus, it only took 3 of us to give her the rabies shot.

Rusty, of course, purred through the entire experience. That's just how he rolls.

So after hitting me with a bill for the exams in the amount of $150, they presented me with an estimate to have Tonya's teeth cleaned. $360.43. And did I have any questions? Yes, three:

• Is it REALLY such a bad thing if she loses them and has to live on wet food?
• How much for kitty dentures?
• Any bartering value in a bag of cat hair?

Quiet

Main Entry: qui·et
Pronunciation: \ˈkwī-ət\
Function: adjective

1 a: marked by little or no motion or activity : calm b: gentle, easygoing c: not interfered with d: enjoyed in peace and relaxation
2 a: free from noise or uproar : still b: unobtrusive, conservative

My home growing up was in the country. It was very possible to sit outside and only hear the sounds of nature for long periods of time without interruption. An occasional truck ambling up the gravel road drowned out the mooing of the cows in the field behind our house. A neighbor's tractor moving bales of hay for their horses sometimes silenced a hooting owl. I always knew it was noon when the siren sounded at the fire station in the valley but other than those few intrusions, I was alone with the quiet voices of nature.

Currently, I live just barely inside the limits of a fairly major city. It's your typical suburban neighborhood with cookie cutter two-story homes sandwiched too near each other on a quarter acre of land each. And as I take advantage of the momentary reprieve from heat and humidity to write from my screened porch, I think how different my idea of "quiet" has become over the years.

We're just off a street that carries a substantial amount of traffic. Train tracks run nearby, bringing along the chugging of the engine and the blasting of the whistle at each crossing. Just a bit further, perhaps two miles from where I'm reposed, a major interstate provides a constant dull roar of background noise. A bit farther in the distance, I can hear the beeping of construction equipment erecting new apartments that will add even more traffic to the already busy route.

And yet, I also hear birds chirping. The wind tickles the leaves of the trees in the backyard and a squirrel scampers along the fence, his tiny feet clicking along. Between the passing vehicles, there is still quiet. Nature is still out there; she's just sharing her space with a few more inhabitants.

200

Main Entry: two hun·dred
Pronunciation: \ˈtü\ \ˈhən-drəd\
Function: noun

1: the natural number following 199 and preceding 201
2: an HTTP status code indicating a successful connection
3: the sum of dollars given in the classical Monopoly game to a player passing "Go"
4: the upper limit of a desirable cholesterol level corresponding to lower risk for heart disease
5: the number of people I'd like to punch in the face at any given time
6. the number of posts (including this one) currently posted in this blog

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Stupidity

Main Entry: stu·pid·i·ty
Pronunciation: \stü-'pi-də-tē\
Function: noun

1: the quality or state of being stupid
2: a stupid idea or act
3: passing up bbq for lunch and then having to smell it anyways while your coworkers eat theirs

Me last Friday = dumb dumb dumb.

Other office smells that make me crazy when I'm not offered a bit?

• popcorn
• General Tso's chicken
• fried aardvark
• pizza

Day of rest

Main Entry: Sun·day
Pronunciation: \ˈsən-(ˌ)dā, -dē\
Function: noun
1. the first day of the week
2. the day of the week between Saturday and Monday
3. Christian Sabbath, an extension of Jewish Shabbat, a day of rest

Main Entry: time–out
Pronunciation: \ˈtīm-ˈau̇t\
Function: noun
1: a brief suspension of activity : break ; especially : a suspension of play in an athletic game
2: a quiet period used especially as a disciplinary measure for children

I have a confession to make... No post today. Way too much on my mind.  I'm burnt out and I need a day off. SomeMonkey insists and I know better than to argue with her.

Probably back tomorrow with something. No idea what, but something.  

Restraint

Main Entry: re·straint

Pronunciation: \ri-ˈstrānt\

Function: noun

1. what I'd like to use on the nurse's wrists while I punch her in the mouth for screwing up twice on my medical records
2. maintaining enough self-control to not punch the idiot nurse in the mouth for screwing up twice with my medical records

No nurses were harmed either before or after the creation of this post.

Sadness

Main Entry: sad·ness
Pronunciation: \sad'ness\
Function: noun

realizing A Charlie Brown Christmas was on last night and you missed it, because even though you have it on dvd it's just not the same

Zombie

Main Entry: zom·bie
Pronunciation:\ˈzäm-bē\
Function: noun

1. a person who appears to be lifeless, apathetic, or totally lacking in independent judgment
2. a corpse brought to life by witchcraft

3. Or me, recently, on my meds. That first definition is, pardon the pun, dead on.

I feel very muddled, like I'm moving through quicksand and the wheels in my brain are stuck in mud. I've been told I have a dirty mind before but this is ridiculous! By 2pm most days, I'm literally falling asleep at my desk.

So what I'm wondering is if taking my meds at night instead will help me sleep (note: I'm not actually having problems sleeping) or if they'll just keep me from any chance of waking up on time. My boss would define that as an inconvenience bad thing fireable offense. Of course, I don't know if this would be better or worse in his eyes than the whole napping-at-my-desk-with-my-head-propped-up-on-a-water-bottle thing.

On a positive note, my anxiety issues haven't been as bad lately. Mostly because I'm too tired to care. Is that how they're supposed to work? I thought the doctor explained something about seratonin reuptake but what she must've meant was "you'll be in a catatonic state that will render you incapable of giving a damn if you're speaking in front of a crowd or if someone has set your house on fire".

Zombies don't care about that kind of stuff. Because they're dead. It must be really good to be a zombie. Minus the smell.

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey.
What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?

PS: How do you spell "fireable"? Because spellcheck hates everything and nobody responded to my tweet. Which makes me afraid it's another word I've made up. Like unprobable. Or snoosh.