The Annual Office Holiday Luncheon

Overheard:

HR Lady: Did you bring anything to donate to the food drive?
Coworker: Why would I? The whole idea is that you're supposed to feed me!

Coworker (referencing all of the green and red sparkly-barfy Christmas sweaters): Oh, you wore blue today. What are you, Jewish?
Me: No, I'm cold.
Me (in my head): What are you, a moron?

And a line I came up with that I'm just dying for an opportunity to use:

Me: Sorry I wasn't able to enjoy (the party, your speech, your company).
Whoever: Oh, I'm sorry you weren't able to be there.
Me: Oh, I was there. I just wasn't able to enjoy it. Because it sucked.

Hahahaha... Yeah, I'd never say that out loud. But wouldn't it be kinda funny? No? Okay, just me then.

In the end, I bah-humbugged the office luncheon yesterday because it's such a big production and I don't enjoy much of it except for the food, which my big booty doesn't need right now. HR actually assigns seating like we're five. They do this to split up departments so we're forced to socialize with other people. However, most departments are so large, they end up with a whole gang of them together anyways in every group. The end result is me sitting in the middle of a crowd of cops and/or firemen who are all buddies and I feel like a moron. Anyways, it's very uncomfy for me. And none of them are even hot.

Also, they give us name tags with our department on them. Nothing spoils lunch more than "Oh, you're in IT? I have this computer at home...". Guess what? I'm at LUNCH. I don't care about your computer at home. I don't even care about your computer at work. Furthermore, I'm the webmaster, not a computer tech, so I don't care about any of your computers anywhere EVER!!!

So instead of two hours of awkward conversation, waiting around for our table to be called so we can eat, all the while "enjoying" off-key employee performances and speeches by council members, I camped out in my office for some peace and quiet.

And that's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

Lost in Translation

I think I'm one of about four people in the world that didn't like that movie. Joe and I were so bored, waiting for something to happen. And the whole point was that nothing happens? If I want to be bored, I'll live my own life thankyouverymuch. And what did she whisper in his ear at the end? I'm fairly certain it was "can you believe these morons paid to see this dreck?" or maybe that's just what I was thinking.

Anyways, this post is not about that awful movie. This post is about Google Voice. See the connection? Google Voice does some cool stuff but one of the features involves emailing you a transcript of voicemail messages. Sometimes this is very helpful! Sometimes it is not.

Process of area fluffy fluffy fluffy fluffy that. Hey I. I mean.

This is a test message we left ourselves when we were doing research for Winey Wednesday. It was something about Tonya is a very fluffy fluffy fluffy fluffy cat. Followed by something I absolutely cannot remember.

Hello, I'm calling with Organizing for America special project of the Democratic National Committee. I'm calling to invite you to a rally in support of the bombers call for health insurance reform. The president need do to make your voice heard. I really need to reform he paid for by the Democratic National Committe, not authorize by any candidates or Janet. It's Committee.

So let me get this straight. They've mistakenly called Obama the bomber. Or is Google Voice run by conservatives? I'd love for reform to be paid for by the DNC or anyone else not named Cate & Joe for that matter. And I have no idea who Janet is so her authorization probably wouldn't mean a whole lot to me anyways.

You can, and all my presented the temporarily. Please if you have a customers. Please continue to hold briefly and apologize for the deadline. You'll be connecting to the moment. Please continue to hold briefly hello.

This one makes me think Joe may have applied for The Bachelor without my knowledge. Connecting to the moment? Maybe if the briefly hello goes well, they can go on a journey together, leading to the most shocking rose ceremony EVER!!!

And finally, my favorite by far, which arrived just in time for this post:

Hi, This message is for Kate, This is the endoscopy Center calling to remind you of your appointment on Friday, September 18th. Your appointment is at 8. Hey then. Please arrive 1 hour prior to your scheduled appointment time. You must have a responsible adult with you to receive discharge instructions and to drive you home if you have a good day. Please be sure to bring that with you when you come. You are scheduled at our Location located at 401 North West Scary Parkway if you had any questions, please call 93741524. A copy of your patience, right. Please call or visit our website.

So let me make sure I've got all this - they started out well with my time and date, even though they do spell my name wrong. Hey then! And if I have a good day (IF?!?!?!), a responsible adult must be there to bring me home. I should bring that (the responsible adult?) with me. Guess I'll take Joe. Also, their location is actually on Kerry Parkway, not Scary Parkway. Yes, I'm a bit afraid now about my appointment on Friday.

For the most part, I really like the service (no, this is not a paid advertisement). It allows me to call people for free and usually the voicemail transcripts are helpful enough that I can at least tell who called without actually listening to the message. Still, it seems there is plenty of room for improvement.

Much like that sucktastic movie.

Inspiration everywhere

Every morning, I am greeted by 43 spam emails a lovely quote sent to my Inbox while I sleep.

The message looks something like this:


But on Wednesday, I was greeted instead by this:


It's hard not to feel like even the quotes have given up on me. "Hey, don't send one to that Cate chick - it's a waste of a quote since she fails to be inspired."

Only, I currently am inspired. So SCREW YOU quotes! You can have a punch in the face and an unsubscribe!

SWYMM: Overheard on vacation edition

Just a few tidbits from the past week.

For those of you just joining us, the cast includes:

• me
• Joe
• Mother
• Dad
• Rob (brother)
• Rochelle (SIL)
• Tina (sister, 2 mos pregnant)
• Dan (BIL)
• Collin (14 mo nephew)

And apparently either we're all hard-of-hearing or suck at listening.

Dad: Let's give Collin a flavor-ice by the pool.
Rob: A flea dip? In the pool?

Rob: You're not Roch.
me: I'm not rich? What?

Mother: Collin would like a little cousin Aunt Cate!
me: And I'd like another beer.

Collin: yabba blah blah EEEEEE gah gah!!!!

Dad: Cate's mother has really let herself go. And become a total pain in the ass.
Joe: Uh...

While playing Uno:

Dan (seated between me and Tina): Haha, I'm totally nailing Cate.
Rob: Wrong sister.

Cards reverse direction of play:

Dan: Ha, now I'm totally nailing Tina!
Rob: That would explain why she's knocked up.

Really smooth, my family.

SWYMM: Therapist Edition

Say What You Mean Mondays - actual quotes from actual people. People who often have at least one foot in their mouth.

Today, I share with you the words and wisdom of my (ex)therapist.

"Those shoes are so cute!" - We once discussed my shoes for 10 minutes. $100/hr means I paid her $16.67 $100/50 minutes means I paid her $20 to discuss a pair of tattered white sandals that I bought for $7 six years ago. Somehow I don't think this is helping.

"Do you drink? I think you should try a drink next time you fly to calm yourself down."

"This is a picture of my cat, Moonbeam, wearing a sparkly red bow for Christmas. And here she is again chasing her tail. And eating a piece of cheese." - I'm not sure what she was trying to accomplish here.

"Isn't that fountain just lovely? I got it at TJMaxx." - That fountain was the reason I had to limit water intake before our sessions. It always made me need to pee.

"I think it's possible your mother caused you a bit of stress." - No, ya think?

"It could be really good for you to have a glass of wine at night."

"Oh, your doctor put you on Lexapro? I don't know anything about it." - Yes, she's a counselor, not a doctor, but shouldn't she be somewhat familiar with these types of drugs?

"Know what book you should read? 'Engulfed in Flames' by David Sedaris. It would help you a lot." - I had no idea this was a book club.

"Have you ever tried having a drink or two when you feel anxious?" - What is the obsession with turning me into an alcoholic? Job security?

I've never felt more sane than when I broke up with my therapist. I think she probably needed help more than me.

P.S. SomeMonkey pointed out that my math was wrong when she read my post last night. And it took me until this morning to realize what she was talking about. Because she's smarter than me. So I fixed it.

SWYMM: Anesthesia Edition

Say What You Mean Mondays - actual quotes from actual people. People who often have at least one foot in their mouth.

Time for another edition of Say What You Mean Monday. This time, more words from me but under the influence of anesthesia during various tests, surgeries, etc.

"Where are my implants? Couldn't you just give me breast implants while you were in there?" - "In there"? They had removed my wisdom teeth.

"I want a cheeseburger. Get me a cheeseburger. We have to stop for a cheeseburger!!!" - Also after wisdom teeth.

"Are you ok? Cate, are you ok? Cate, wake up!" - Joe's words, after I passed out and bonked my head.

"Where are my implants? I wanted implants!" - At least this was somewhat related to the procedure (breast lump removal).

"What did the doctor say? What did he say about allergies? Did the doctor come by? I really thought the doctor would talk to us." - I tend to repeat myself in these situations. I asked poor Joe about the doctor at least a dozen times until he finally refused to answer me until later that night.

"I'm not even saying anything stupid this time! Aren't you proud? I'm not even talking about implants or cheeseburgers!"

SWYMM: I fail at words

Say What You Mean Mondays - actual quotes from actual people. People who often have at least one foot in their mouth.

In this very special edition of SWYMM, I'm the one with my foot in my mouth. I have a knack for saying stupid things that make no sense and here are a few recent goodies.

"Here, please drive my purse home" To Joe, at my boss's house warming party.

"Just remember that when you're taking antibiotics, your birth control pills aren't reliable in preventing pregnancy." Said to my (male) boss.

"No, drop me off at the door. I totally deserve to be chaperoned." Sadly, this was in a car full of co-workers and I meant "chauffeured". And my coworkers all agreed that "chaperoned" was a safer choice for me.

"Those are the biggest balls I've ever seen!" In front of our uber-religious friend, referring to a sculpture of Christmas balls in NYC.

SomeMonkey: man, you're all sorts of commenty
me: i'm... in the christmas spirit?
pretending i'm in the christmas spirit?
spreading peace love and happiness to all the world
or maybe delirious because i'm freakin starved
SomeMonkey: okay, i'll try again.
your BLOG is commenty.
me: oh, haha
also
commenty
vs complimentary
i get it!

With the exception of the purse incident, these things were all said when I was sober and migraine-free. I should not be allowed to speak in public.

SWYMM: Baby Edtion

Say What You Mean Mondays - actual quotes from actual people. People who often have at least one foot in their mouth.

This week, several quotes on the topic of babies!

"Short term disability is for pregnancy and other illnesses." The obviously pregnant HR lady explaining benefits at my new job.

"This medication is safe if you decide to have a baby for some reason." My doctor, discussing my happy pills.

"You don't exactly seem like the nurturing type." Obnoxious co-worker, to me, when I said I was going to see my sister's new baby.

PS: Must be I have quite the reputation because then this happened:

me: I started a new post while you were gone
about babies!!!

SomeMonkey: and how you eat them?

me: no, don't be silly

i don't eat babies

i kick them

Can't imagine WHY I have this reputation. Totally undeserved.