That Nobel dude isn't the only one with awards to give. I have a couple of my own. And sorry, no time for acceptance speeches. The band is already playing you off the stage. Feel free to add your own nominees in the comments. I'm sure there's no shortage of deserving recipients.
Dear Oscar Mayer Turkey Bacon,
I don't know who you really are, but you are not turkey nor are you bacon. You sure as hell aren't turkey bacon.
I know turkey bacon. I enjoy turkey bacon. You, sir, are not turkey bacon.
You also made my tummy hurt. That's a fail on all levels.
Perhaps you should reconsider your marketing strategy and re-invent yourself as "Not Turkey Bacon". I give my permission to use my award on your packaging.
For some reason I enjoy saying "turkey bacon",
Dear Lightning Strike,
Just when I thought we had finally paid for the last repair related to your uninvited presence in our home, you have to have the final "haha", don't you?
It wasn't enough that it cost several hundred dollars to repair the security system. Or the couple hundred dollars to return the air conditioning to operating condition. Forget about the a/v receiver that couldn't be repaired and everyone failed to reimburse so we had to pay for it out of pocket (and then discovered the new one wasn't compatible with the old subwoofer so we had to replace that as well). I'm not even counting the small things like alarm clocks, electronic thermometers, or failed surge protectors.
But now, your pal Mother Nature has decided to turn from summer storms to winter cold and you take the opportunity for one last hurrah. To the tune of $250 (plus the $100 service call) to replace another circuit board in the upstairs heating unit.
Consider your award well-earned.
You're truly the gift that keeps on
6 comments:
i LOVE your "punch in the face" awards.
i would totally steal it.
if i wasn't so lazy.
plus, i'd never be able to end the post.
there are just too many asshats.
andy:)
Lightning sucks, and turkey bacon should be outlawed.
That is all.
Uuuuuugh. You need to move to a part of the world with a more temperate climate. No lightning, no cold. (And no suggestions from me as to where this utopia might be.)
I bought some really not-so-good turkey bacon one time; I wonder if it was Oscar Meyer?
You're right. It's not turkey bacon. I'm something...awful. Perhaps completely unknown to science.
And, yes, it's awful on the tummy.
Now those awards went to deserving recipients.
Stupid lightning. You think it's all pretty and stuff but it just likes causing problems. :p
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