Trying something new today. Some heavy things on my mind so I'm just going to let them flow in hopes that it will be therapeutic.
Sometimes I talk too much. I share too much. I'm the kind of person who holds things in for far too long and then it all comes whooshing out - including all related issues or non-related issues. Sometimes it's because I just can't hold it in anymore. Sometimes it's because I feel like the right thing to do is to share myself.
Often, the more you don't talk, the more I do talk. "We each fill the silence with our own insecurities." (That's from a short-lived but brilliant show called Keen Eddie.) I certainly fill the silence with mine.
I keep talking, hoping something will trigger a response. Some reassurance. Questions. Even an objection.
Silence.
When it's over, instead of feeling good for opening up and making myself vulnerable, I worry that you now see me as a burden. Weak. Worse yet, crazy.
And that's why I stay so locked up inside my own head. Because every time I start to feel a bit of self-confidence and I want to own who I am, I regret it later. Rather than feeling empowered, I feel ashamed and wish I could take it all back.
I don't know how to change the way I feel about that. I don't know if it's ME that needs to change how I feel about that. But the one thing I do know is that I'm doing the right things now for me, and I'm going to keep doing them.
P.S. Alanis Morissette might consider this post ironic - free flow babble about how I talk too much. I've been told though that most of the things she calls ironic aren't actually ironic. Also? I don't think Alanis Morissette cares about this post.
Friday, April 08, 2011
Thursday, April 07, 2011
First Fursday: The Cat With No Meow
Once upon a time, there was a kitty named Rusty. He was a very nice kitty, but it wasn't long before his humans noticed that his meow was broken.
He tried to meow, but all that came out was a sad squeak. It sounded like he needed a glass of water or maybe some tea for his kitty-laryngitis.
His new sister had a very loud meow and she used it often. The humans asked her every night to sing for her supper and she sang repeatedly. She also meowed from upstairs if the humans were downstairs or from the foot of the bed if the humans were sleeping. He was sure she was doing it in just to mock him and he felt ashamed.
Then one night, long-haired human asked Rusty to sing for his porch. She said "if you want out there SO badly, you can sing for it!" Short-haired human laughed because he knew there was no way Rusty would sing.
But Rusty sat down, took a deep breath, and let out a mighty RAWR!!!
Rusty's meow is still weak, but he has learned to save it up for the things that matter most - like crunchies and porch time. Tonya still meows without discretion. The humans are waiting for the day when she meows and Rusty meows back, tell her to STFU (you know, shut the fluff up!).
Maybe she'll listen to him, because she sure doesn't listen to the humans.
He tried to meow, but all that came out was a sad squeak. It sounded like he needed a glass of water or maybe some tea for his kitty-laryngitis.
His new sister had a very loud meow and she used it often. The humans asked her every night to sing for her supper and she sang repeatedly. She also meowed from upstairs if the humans were downstairs or from the foot of the bed if the humans were sleeping. He was sure she was doing it in just to mock him and he felt ashamed.Then one night, long-haired human asked Rusty to sing for his porch. She said "if you want out there SO badly, you can sing for it!" Short-haired human laughed because he knew there was no way Rusty would sing.
But Rusty sat down, took a deep breath, and let out a mighty RAWR!!!
Rusty's meow is still weak, but he has learned to save it up for the things that matter most - like crunchies and porch time. Tonya still meows without discretion. The humans are waiting for the day when she meows and Rusty meows back, tell her to STFU (you know, shut the fluff up!).
Maybe she'll listen to him, because she sure doesn't listen to the humans.
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
My Big Goal: A Promise
This month, I'm participating in Chalene Johnson's 30 Day Challenge. Thanks to Sally for making me aware of it. We were actually going to participate together in March but I was too late signing up.
Starting off, I wasn't sure if I was going to like it. Chalene reminds me a bit of the pretty and perfect people that make me stabby. I realize this is due to my own insecurity and a tendency to make someone else the weirdo in order to make myself feel better.
Anyways, the past few days have been about recognizing our values and defining our goals. We made a list of ten life goals, which seemed kind of huge at first, especially only a few days into the program. Still, it was interesting to look at my list. The first five or six came easily. The last few, I struggled to define. We're actually supposed to write a new list of goals each week, without looking back, to see what consistencies emerge.
Once that list is together, we are supposed to define a "push" goal. That's the one goal on the list that makes all the others possible. It was interesting, because rather than be overwhelmed by focusing on all ten (well, I was really only going to focus on the first five or six), it allows you to focus on just the one goal that will help the others fall into place.
She suggested that we make a promise not just to ourselves but to others that we would make that goal. She then recommended posting it very publicly, using Twitter, Facebook, blogs, whatever was at our disposal. And while I realize this isn't the most fascinating post in the world, I haven't been coming up with much of ANY posts lately so I might as well.
My promise to myself and everyone around me is to improve my health. Primarily, this is about my weight. For me, anxiety meant medication meant weight gain meant depression. Suddenly I find myself feeling miserable about my body and it's destroying all of my self-confidence, which is really keeping me from all of those other goals.
It was suggested by a friend that I could focus on building self-confidence and accepting myself as I am now. I'm working on that too, but I also feel like regardless of my body image issues, my health is at stake. Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone, focusing on the problem rather than placating the symptoms, which is what it feels like to me if I convince myself that it's okay to be so overweight.
So there's my promise. How am I going to get there? Since I'm not working an 8-5, I'm trying to turn myself into a bit of a gym rat. My goal is four hours of elliptical per week (which equates to four GOOD days on the elliptical). On days I don't make it to the gym, I try to spend about an hour on my recumbent bike. One day off per week. I'm also drinking a lot more water, taking my vitamins each day, and being more mindful of my calorie intake.
Not rocket science. Just doing the things we all know we should do anyways. And committing to making a difference. Encouragement welcome! Anyone out there looking for an accountability partner, let me know!
Starting off, I wasn't sure if I was going to like it. Chalene reminds me a bit of the pretty and perfect people that make me stabby. I realize this is due to my own insecurity and a tendency to make someone else the weirdo in order to make myself feel better.
Anyways, the past few days have been about recognizing our values and defining our goals. We made a list of ten life goals, which seemed kind of huge at first, especially only a few days into the program. Still, it was interesting to look at my list. The first five or six came easily. The last few, I struggled to define. We're actually supposed to write a new list of goals each week, without looking back, to see what consistencies emerge.
Once that list is together, we are supposed to define a "push" goal. That's the one goal on the list that makes all the others possible. It was interesting, because rather than be overwhelmed by focusing on all ten (well, I was really only going to focus on the first five or six), it allows you to focus on just the one goal that will help the others fall into place.
She suggested that we make a promise not just to ourselves but to others that we would make that goal. She then recommended posting it very publicly, using Twitter, Facebook, blogs, whatever was at our disposal. And while I realize this isn't the most fascinating post in the world, I haven't been coming up with much of ANY posts lately so I might as well.
My promise to myself and everyone around me is to improve my health. Primarily, this is about my weight. For me, anxiety meant medication meant weight gain meant depression. Suddenly I find myself feeling miserable about my body and it's destroying all of my self-confidence, which is really keeping me from all of those other goals.
It was suggested by a friend that I could focus on building self-confidence and accepting myself as I am now. I'm working on that too, but I also feel like regardless of my body image issues, my health is at stake. Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone, focusing on the problem rather than placating the symptoms, which is what it feels like to me if I convince myself that it's okay to be so overweight.
So there's my promise. How am I going to get there? Since I'm not working an 8-5, I'm trying to turn myself into a bit of a gym rat. My goal is four hours of elliptical per week (which equates to four GOOD days on the elliptical). On days I don't make it to the gym, I try to spend about an hour on my recumbent bike. One day off per week. I'm also drinking a lot more water, taking my vitamins each day, and being more mindful of my calorie intake.
Not rocket science. Just doing the things we all know we should do anyways. And committing to making a difference. Encouragement welcome! Anyone out there looking for an accountability partner, let me know!
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Six Word Saturday
much to do but - oooh, shiny!
Want to play along? All that's necessary to participate is to describe your life (or something) in a phrase using just six words. For more information, try clicking here. Feel free to explain or not explain. Add an image, a video, a song, nothing. I love seeing what everyone does with their entries.
Each week (probably on Sunday or Monday), I use random.org to select a bunch of entries to visit. Or I visit everyone. Depends on what's going on that week. In addition, please visit the person ahead of you on the list (or visit everyone if you like!). That way everyone receives at least one visit!
If you play along in your blog, please add a link to the Mr. Linky. I appreciate a link back (shiny code below if you like!). Otherwise, you're welcome to leave your six words in this post as a comment.Please be sure to link either to your main page or (preferably) directly to the 6WS post. Links to blogs that do not contain a 6WS entry will be removed (sorry, just the button in the sidebar doesn't count as participating).
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