I Should Shush

Trying something new today. Some heavy things on my mind so I'm just going to let them flow in hopes that it will be therapeutic.

Sometimes I talk too much. I share too much. I'm the kind of person who holds things in for far too long and then it all comes whooshing out - including all related issues or non-related issues. Sometimes it's because I just can't hold it in anymore. Sometimes it's because I feel like the right thing to do is to share myself.

Often, the more you don't talk, the more I do talk. "We each fill the silence with our own insecurities." (That's from a short-lived but brilliant show called Keen Eddie.) I certainly fill the silence with mine.

I keep talking, hoping something will trigger a response. Some reassurance. Questions. Even an objection.

Silence.

When it's over, instead of feeling good for opening up and making myself vulnerable, I worry that you now see me as a burden. Weak. Worse yet, crazy.

And that's why I stay so locked up inside my own head. Because every time I start to feel a bit of self-confidence and I want to own who I am, I regret it later. Rather than feeling empowered, I feel ashamed and wish I could take it all back.

I don't know how to change the way I feel about that. I don't know if it's ME that needs to change how I feel about that. But the one thing I do know is that I'm doing the right things now for me, and I'm going to keep doing them.

P.S. Alanis Morissette might consider this post ironic - free flow babble about how I talk too much. I've been told though that most of the things she calls ironic aren't actually ironic. Also? I don't think Alanis Morissette cares about this post.