I'm Tired

Today, a little stream of consciousness post because I need to clear my head. Or at least try.

Tired. I'm tired of being inside my head. I'm tired of the chaos in there.

Things are generally good right now! I'm happier than I've ever been. And that's the problem! How can "good" be a problem? Because stability has a lot to do with a steady base that can withstand the movement it experiences. And so if your base isn't strong, the best chances of staying level are if there isn't a lot of movement. So the more "good" I experience, the more movement to my weak base. I go UP and then my messed up brain thinks that rather than reset normal to UP, it's better to just swing way far to DOWN to kind of even things out.

Why can't we quit zigging and zagging and just walk a new straight line?

And so it goes that the more I experience happy, the more unsettled I feel. Why can't I just be happy and have that be a good thing?

My poor husband. There's no winning with me. I AM happy, dammit. I'm finding my way. Largely because of the freedom he provides to me. And I'm sure that to his well-functioning logical brain, I make no sense. That must be frustrating to him.

And to everyone. Probably you're tired of hearing about the insides of my head, whether you read it here, or on twitter, or in email, or I babble at you in person. You may think I have it made. "She quit her job. She doesn't work. She screws around all day and goes on a lot of trips and shops and is living the life." I try to hide a lot of of my imbalance. It either comes out in really short bursts or in big storms. I'm storming today. I don't know if I'll publish this or not but I just need to write it out.

I'm taking on new things. It's good. It's scary. It's an adjustment because it's different and there I go again all wobbly in my head. It's a choice (or a bunch of choices) I'm making to deliberately put myself off-balance. I need to keep pushing. I need to get stronger. I need to make progress. I need to KEEP making progress - I don't know when I'll be done or fixed - but the more I struggle, the more it's a sign that I'm making forward movement. I hope when my husband is frustrated with me that he can remember a time not THAT long when I couldn't leave the house without getting sick. When I wouldn't go out to do anything. When I wouldn't drive myself anywhere.

The fact that I keep struggling indicates that I've made progress.

I just wish it didn't make me want to crawl back into bed or self-medicate in unhealthy ways or shut off my mind.

It all makes me really tired.

P.S. I decided to publish this because I know I'm not the only one facing this kind of chaos. If you go through this too, you're not alone. If you know someone who suffers, maybe this will give you a little insight. Be gentle.

P.P.S. Also, I need you to know that I'm alright. Really.