I feel what I feel

I'm tired of apologizing for it.

I'm tired of being ashamed that the way I'm feeling isn't correct.

I'm tired of not trusting my feelings because they aren't what a normal person would feel.

You see, my dad called yesterday at noon. He told me that my mother's appendix had burst and she had just come out of emergency surgery. They kept her overnight to monitor infection but the doctor seemed to think everything would be just fine. Once they feel they're in the clear from infection, she'll go home.

So what do I feel?

More than I would expect, less than I think I should. Less than you probably think I should.

But this is my mother. This mother. This one. Also, the one that I've barely touched upon here. Only a few reading this know about all that.

When he told me, I felt concerned for the lack of sleep my father had gotten over the previous 24 hours. I felt sad for me and the fact that our relationship rates so low that I was just now finding out, AFTER surgery. I felt relieved for me that I didn't have to deal with her death yet because I'm just too busy and too unstable.

I'm not saying I didn't feel sorry for my mother. I'm human. I do have a heart. But I didn't feel so much different than if one of you, whom I've never met, told me that your mother, whom you've mentioned only briefly, had suffered a ruptured appendix and just come out of surgery.

And I'm tired of feeling like my feelings aren't good enough, right enough, correct enough. I feel what I feel. I know what I know. I react how I react. If it's not necessarily logical or if you don't have enough insight to understand, I'm tired of having to feeling the need to justify it. It's not just about my mother - it's about everything. Sometimes it's hard doubting yourself all the time because the way you process things doesn't make sense to the black-and-white rational people around you.

I feel what I feel. I'm entitled to that. I trust have to learn to allow myself that.