Emotions

I was able to speak to Tina (my sister) last night. She and the baby are doing fine. Baby is a girl, fairly average in weight and length. She's already going bald and giving into the influence of super-thin models by not wanting to eat a whole lot. Dainty already.

The doctors ran a hearing test and she's not responding well out of her left ear. My sister says she's doomed if the baby's already not listening to her. I suggested she probably inherited that trait from her daddy.

I'm not sure there isn't an emotion I didn't cover at one point yesterday. I was worried when I hadn't heard anything. Relieved and happy when I finally did hear. Angry that it took so long to hear. Lonely for my sister. Frustrated that my family is so screwed up. Sad that I'm not closer to my sister. Upset that I'm so undecided about my own future when it comes to family. Doubtful I could handle it. Resentful that while my friends are encouraging, the one person whose encouragement might make a difference doesn't seem to realize it.

When my sister had Collin, I didn't envy her the little boy. But there is something about that precious pink little girl that made me feel very empty. And unworthy. And depressed. And jealous. And confused.

I wish that range of emotions had skewed a bit more towards the positive side. I wish I knew more who I am and what I want. But I guess that's what this year is about.

P.S. Happier Cate is in here somewhere. She'll be posting tomorrow.