Walrussian invasion!!! I really tried to write something else but these are the thoughts consuming me. They won't be denied, they have to bet let out. Hey, at least it's not a vacation or cat post!
What if...
...I lived closer to my family? Would it force resolution of these issues instead of trying to smooth over them to make our infrequent visits pleasant?
...I had more self-confidence? And what would it take? A fulfilling career doing something I can't even define? A hot body? Feeling as if my husband worships the ground I walk on?
...my mother hadn't raised me to live in constant fear of anything new or different?
...I truly possessed focus, self-control, and dedication? Instead of routine, fear, and inability to change?
...my dad had a spine and had stood up for me or had acknowledged the truth? Or had stood up for himself and sought happiness instead of peace-keeping?
...J was still alive? And my mother hadn't lied?
...I didn't feel so uncertain about situations that have been plaguing me for years? If I knew my own mind instead of being confused between what I want and what I've talked myself into settling for instead?
...I had started a family with Joe ten years ago when we were first married and I knew it was what I wanted?
...my hobbies and dreams and self were still intact instead of being talked down or otherwise made unrecognizable?
What are your what-ifs? Over the years, I've mostly learned how to let them go. You know, the whole "Serenity Prayer" thing.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
But sometimes the what-ifs creep up and take over. Right now, I'm drowning in them.
There's so much left to tell. Some day, maybe...
P.S. Come back tomorrow for Six Word Saturday with a return-to-normal Mr. Linky and a less contemplative Cate. Promise!
10 comments:
heavy heavy heavy. Get thee to the porch with a fruity beverage!
What-if I had used the 7 years of infertility as time for me to do something productive instead of wasting those years feeling sorry for myself and doing almost nothing? This one's been trying to drown me lately.
I think we should both take TMC's advice - deck, fruity beverage, plus ocean sounds.
I live with a lot of what-if's too...some very similiar to yours.
All I know for sure is that I can't go back and do what I didn't do in the past, but I can start today to have a brighter future, so that in ten years I won't have another decade of what-ifs. Sowin' the good seeds!
I think we all have what ifs. I know I do, bust seriously what are they? I guess if you really think about it, they're no good. They don't help anything, they just cause worry and regret.
I say we ban what ifs!
I think we all have those what ifs, some we keep with us, some we have to let go, I think its part of life, but I do like TMC's advice and I promise I'll be back for 6-word Saturday and beyond
betty
Oh girl, we gotta email. We have more in common everyday. My family has basically disowned me.
yayaorangenanny@yahoo.com
Just wanted to say thanks for the comments and support. I feel better now that I've gotten it out there. Maybe the what-ifs will leave me alone now for awhile.
Without those what ifs, you wouldn't be the person you are today, and you would not be equipped with the tools to carry out God's purpose in your life. Even though there are a lot of heavies in there, your are a one of a kind fivine original with a special purpose no one else can fulfill.
Maybe those haevies are what enable you to be compassionate and be able to encourage and uplift others with your testimony who you would not be able to reach had you yourself not experienced what it was like to walk in their shoes.
I think we all have our 'what if' questions. I know I have mine.
I also know that they get the best of me from time to time. So now, when I feel myself getting sucked into the mire of 'what if' questions, I spend a few minutes thinking about it, maybe I jot down some thoughts and throw 'em on the blog, and then I focus on the question, "What is important to me right now?" I find that helps me.
You seem really cool. Since I'm a total stranger, can I tell you something? You're irritated at your Dad for not having a backbone and for being more interested in keeping the peace than speaking his mind. But that's what you did, buying him a fake card and writing him your real thoughts on your blog. Think about it. Why is everyone tiptoeing around your mom?
Butting out now. Take it easy.
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